Windows into a Life - Chapter 20 - procrastinatingalways (2024)

Chapter Text

After Season 3 Ep 4:

Shelagh’s heart was thumping loudly in her chest as she opened the door to the church. She had hated funerals for as long as she could remember. Probably because of her mother. She still vividly remembered the first funeral she had attended, her mother laid out looking like she was sleeping instead of gone for good. As she slowly walked down the center aisle she realized she must have gotten to the church too early as there was no line of parishioners there to offer their condolences. Her heart sped up a little more. Why was she so nervous? She had attended plenty of funerals in her lifetime and while she did not enjoy them or find peace in them she had never reacted this way. Maybe it was because Alec was so young. A man in his mid 20s cut down by a simple workplace accident, not some illness or medical emergency. Or even war, she was surprised how long it took her brain to get there considering the amount of war deaths she had grown up hearing about.

She took a few steps closer and slowed down even more. She wasn't sure who the parishioners would be offering condolences to today. Alec and Jenny were a couple but not married, so she wasn't sure how Jenny would feel being the one to stand beside the coffin. His parents lived too far away due to his father's position in the military so they would not even be there for the funeral. She looked around for Jenny but the tall brunette was not there. It then hit her that nobody was there yet, not even the Reverend. The lone coffin stood at the front of the church, surrounded by flowers and the unlit candles that would be in use during the service.

Shelagh made it to the end of the aisle, her mind wondering how Alec would look after his traumatic injuries leading to his untimely death. Patrick had said that his injuries were to the back of his head and his leg, easy to hide in a coffin. This again made her remember her mother's funeral and the serene look she had, dying in childbirth left no obvious scars for everyone to see. She knew not everyone was that lucky from the scores of dead she had seen at the tail end of the war and during some of her training.

As she stepped closer to the coffin her heart sped up. When she looked down, expecting to see the young solemn face of Alec instead she saw the older lined face of Patrick. Her Patrick. It felt like her heart had stopped completely. When she reached out and caressed his face it was cold and stiff. She gasped. She felt her legs give way and she dropped down on her knees.

"No. No. No." She began muttering while tears streamed down her face. No other words came to her. Not an explanation. Not even a prayer. Just the thought that he couldn't be gone. He couldn't be taken from her. Not so soon.

She woke with a start from her nightmare, sitting up with a jolt, gasping to fill her lungs as her heart beat with terror. Her head jerked to the side and her eyes locked on Patrick. He was still firmly asleep next to her, snoring softly. Shelagh breathed a sigh of relief. She had been having the same dream, or variations of it, for the last week. Sometimes Tim was crying beside her through the whole ordeal. Other times Sister Julienne found her broken and sobbing beside the coffin and tried to offer comfort. No matter what she was shocked to find Patrick in the coffin instead of whoever else she was expecting, usually Alec since it was his funeral they had attended recently.

She shifted to get out of bed, knowing she would not be able to go back to sleep. Patrick mumbled and reached out for her. When his foggy brain realized that he had not grasped his wife he opened his eyes blearily and saw her sitting on the edge of the bed.

"Shelagh?" He asked groggily.

"Everything is fine Patrick, go back to sleep." She whispered, she hoped he would not hear the waiver in her voice. She knew it was an instant tell that she had been crying. But he heard it instantly.

"No, something is wrong. You haven't been sleeping well in weeks but it has gotten worse the past few nights." He said while moving so that he was laying across the bed, his head resting on one hand while the other reached out to rest on her leg. He watched her but she stayed quiet for a few moments before she broke under his stare.

"I can't." She choked out with a sob. He sprang into action quickly, pushing himself up to sit next to her and pull her against him. Holding her close he rubbed her back as she cried into his chest. She had cried nightly when she had returned from her surgery with the news of her infertility, all he could do was hold her and let her cry. So he fell back into that habit. This time he knew something else was causing her lack of sleep but he had to wait until she explained it.

“Was it a nightmare?” He asked softly. He felt her breathing stutter at his question, knowing he had assumed correctly but still waiting for her explanation. Patrick continued rubbing the soothing circles on her back for what felt like hours before she managed to speak.

"I went from...from... dreaming about a baby... a baby that will never… never come... to dreaming about... death... your death." She finally got out between sobs. He froze at her final comment, knowing this was one of the fears he had about their relationship as well. He was older enough than her to know that she would most likely survive him instead of the other way around. He knew she would handle it because he had handled it. She may not be able to move on as he had but she had a community around her and Timothy to care for. Also she had her faith, so much stronger than his had ever been. When something happened to him, he knew she would be okay eventually. But obviously she didn't feel that way, especially not with the bad news of her infertility already hanging above them.

"Darling I'm not going anywhere anytime soon." He whispered trying to calm her down in as soothing of a tone as he could manage.

"You don't know that. You can't promise that." She blurted out angrily, pushing away slightly to look up at him. She looked so overwhelmingly sad, her blue eyes filled with tears and rimmed with red from all her crying. He noticed that without her glasses she looked so much younger, younger than her actual age. It made his heart clench in pain even more.

"No but I will do everything in my power to be by your side for as long as I possibly can. And I know you feel the same. We both know that people can die at any moment." He admitted, pulling her back against him and kissing the top of her head gently. She sighed against his chest, still feeling the tears track down her cheeks.

"We just found each other, I cannot fathom giving you up again." She admitted quietly, arms encircling him so she could fully lean into him.

"I feel the same about you. I loved Marianne and I survived losing her. But I will admit that I love you in a way that feels so much deeper, stronger than what I’ve felt before. My heart feels like it is being ripped in half just thinking about losing you. I know either of us will survive whatever happens, but that doesn’t make it easy.” Patrick explained, he leaned his cheek against the top of her head while his hand automatically went to rub her back.

"God keeps making decisions that we just have to accept. No amount of prayer stops death and I will have to accept God’s decisions even if I am no longer in a habit." Shelagh said with a sigh.

“I’m glad you are no longer in a habit.” Patrick added, a slight smirk on his face that Shelagh could hear in his voice. She shook her head against him in a way that he knew meant she disapproved of his poking fun at her expense.

“Just do everything we can to stay by each other’s side for as long as we can.” Shelagh repeated his earlier words. He nodded against her before awkwardly pulling her backwards for them to lay diagonally on their bed. Patrick pulled her closer, her head resting on his chest, he hoped they could rest a little more before the alarm went off. Shelagh drifted off to sleep again with Patrick’s heartbeat in her ear.

After Season 7 Ep 6:

Patrick sat outside the hospital in his car, watching the raindrops as they raced down the windshield. He didn't react at all when the wipers went, slashing through the rain that had been collecting on the glass. As he stared forward his mind wandered to the patient he had just left.

Barbara had been up and working just a day ago and now she was unresponsive in her hospital bed. He felt that was how it happened with Marianne but he knew his mind was playing tricks on him, hers had been a much slower decline. Cancer might be a surprising diagnosis but the decline that went with it was long and painful.

The meningococcal septicemia that had landed Barbara in the hospital was known for being quick. She had a chance with the antibiotics but it still wasn't a sure thing. He knew that even if she survived she could have side effects that would last her whole life and may even cut her career short. Absent-mindedly he reached a hand up to pull through his hair, a nervous habit he had picked up during the war.

He tried to remember the statistics from last year's medical report about cases of it. But it was just out of reach in his mind. He remembered reading parts of it out loud to Teddy to soothe him to sleep during those long nights of the big freeze in January. Shelagh was snuggled up beside him in their bed, Teddy resting on his chest while he held the yearly medical report. He remembered the scene vividly but not the numbers he had read aloud so his son would be calmed by his voice.

Thinking of Teddy while sitting outside the hospital that Shelagh had been in suddenly hit him square in the chest. Remembering how they had almost lost him before they even had a chance to meet him. Tears began tracking down his face as he thought of it. The long weeks of torment as they didn't know if Shelagh's pregnancy would continue. Hell he could have even lost Shelagh. A sob escaped him at the sudden realization. Medically he knew at the time that it could have happened but it only hit him now how close he had come to losing her then.

He had lost his first wife nearly a decade ago. At the time he didn't think he would ever love again, even though he knew Tim needed a mother figure. The idea of marrying someone just for help raising his son seemed unfair to both of them. And love felt so out of reach.

Shelagh had been there for him and Tim after Marianne had died. All of the nuns had been. Bringing meals, words of comfort, and a helping hand when needed. But she was the one who Tim clinged to the most which made him notice her, in ways he wasn't supposed to. His love had grown for her with each passing day, strengthening whenever he saw her care for his son. He remembered the knife in his gut when the x-ray van had revealed her tuberculosis. Then her stoic reaction to the diagnosis despite her rapidly beating heart. He could have lost her then too. Even though she wasn't his to lose, she owned his heart, even if he didn't think he would ever be able to completely give it. But she had returned; healthy, whole, and ready to claim his heart and give hers in return.

He knew how much it hurt to lose someone you love but he had given his heart again anyway. Now that he was reminded of the heartbreak that love could bring he thought of the look on Tom's face when he had picked him up that evening. The shock that quickly fell into despair as he explained what was happening with poor Barbara. They were so young and had found each other so early. He had expected them to start a family and move to the country like some of the other midwives had, like Jenny and Chummy. Or maybe even have a family here in Poplar like him and Shelagh. This was not at all what he had expected for them, her desperately ill in the hospital.

Patrick had left Nurse Crane with Tom. He knew that she was more than capable of taking care of the young man and he felt that he couldn't do any more to help after he had rendered his diagnosis. He needed to go home, not just because he shouldn't be sitting outside the hospital any more but also because he needed to see Shelagh. For his own mental health. He needed to see her healthy and alive. That thought finally got him moving and he put the car in gear. Heading home quicker than he should have he let out a sigh of relief when he pulled up to see the kitchen light still on. The front door was still unlocked so he was able to get out of the rain quickly.

He froze when he walked in to see her gliding around the kitchen, peacefully making tea in her nightgown and robe. She looked up when she heard the door close and smiled at him.

“Just in time for some tea. Oh and I have a plate for you in the oven if you are hungry.” She said quietly, even though their sleeping children were a whole floor above them. He dropped his bag and took a few long strides across the room to stand in front of her. Her gentle smile turned worrisome and the lines of her forehead crinkled. He leaned down to engulf her in a hug, holding her tight for longer than usual.

“Barbara is in the hospital. The doctor’s will be testing for meningococcal septicemia.” He informed her, matching her soft tone from a moment before. He felt her arms squeeze him tighter, to support him after what she knew was a hard day. Harder than he wanted to admit.

“That poor dear.” She replied against his slightly damp suit coat.

“They were already administering antibiotics and preparing for the test. I left Tom and Nurse Crane outside her room at St. Cuthbert’s.” He replied, leaning his head down and breathing in her comforting scent. The scent of home.

Shelagh knew diagnosing a colleague and friend with a horrifying and possibly deadly disease would have an impact on anyone but especially on Patrick. He always tried to do everything for everyone and blamed himself when anything went wrong. The evening must have stung worse since he had to return to St. Cuthbert’s, which she didn’t think he had been to since her stay there last year. She continued to hold him, trying to help in any small way she could.

“Do you need to eat? Or we could go to bed?” She whispered into the silence. He released her from the hug but grabbed her hand to lead them upstairs. Once they were in their bedroom she stripped him of his damp clothing and replaced them with his favorite blue plaid pajamas. Never once completely letting go so that they were always in contact with one another. She pulled back the sheets and climbed into bed, letting him lay down and get comfortable. Shelagh removed her glasses before cuddling up against him, laying her head on his chest. His arms immediately wrapped around her, a lone thumb rubbing circles on her upper arm.

“Telling Tom she was sick made me think of Marianne. Being at that hospital made me think of almost losing Teddy, and you.” He admitted after a long while. She sighed. She knew the feeling. The idea of losing him had come into her mind at various times in their marriage, mostly due to their difference in age and their profession. They had talked about it before because of nightmares she sometimes had about losing him. But between the two of them he was the one who knew what it was like to lose a spouse, and he very well could have lost her too. Either due to tuberculosis or her miscarriage scare.

“Remember what you promised. I will do everything in my power to be by your side for as long as I possibly can. That is what you told me when I mentioned my fears of living without you. That goes both ways. I know no amount of prayer stops death but I pray daily for us to have a long and happy life together.” Shelagh said reassuringly, before turning slightly to press a kiss against his chest then resting her head against him again.

“Well Teddy is our proof that your daily prayers and my hope work well together. Maybe it will work for this too.” He suggested with a slight teasing tone back in his voice. She smiled at his comment, knowing that if he could tease then his mental state wasn’t as bad as she had assumed.

“We will just have to keep hoping and praying. Now let's get to sleep, our little miracle will be up early demanding breakfast.” She replied back, her own tone teasing as she finally closed her eyes. He held her close and watched as she fell asleep against him, breathing in the scent of home. He looked up at the ceiling, whispering to the God he only believed in because of her “Thank you for giving me her, please let us live a long happy life together.” He closed his own eyes and eventually fell asleep, warm in her embrace.

Windows into a Life - Chapter 20 - procrastinatingalways (2024)
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